Gender identity – it’s an incredibly awkward subject for teens and parents. But then again, Bloomington counselor Cheryl Walton Strong notes, it’s an incredibly awkward time all around.
Sexual self-doubts, peer and family pressures, and socially and self-imposed gender stereotypes help foster the “homophobic bully,” according to Strong, who has faced dual challenges as an African-American member of the LGBT community.
Creating a school environment with “more acceptance, more understanding, less hatred, and less homophobia” benefits not only LGBT students and those who may not yet have affirmed their gender identity but also heterosexual youths experiencing the same rollercoaster emotions of puberty and adolescence, Strong maintained.
“It is a time of change – a time of really finding yourself and discovering yourself,” she noted. “You get the messages that, well, you’re supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. It’s kind of like you’re always out of step, you never quite fit in, you don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t know who to talk to about it.
”A lot of people who are homophobic are actually struggling with their own sexual identity. If there are outlets as far as being LGBT, if it were acceptable, it would likely cut down on some of the bullying and definitely the number of people who are being bullied.”
Most heterosexual students at least can discuss relationship issues with their parents or friends, the counselor stressed. Often, when teens struggle with same-sex attraction, “there’s no one to talk to” or identify with, and relating even to “the heterosexual position” is difficult, Strong said.
Further, students wrestling with gender identity may fear the consequences of discussing their feelings or issues with family, for fear of being “disowned” or even hated. She urged parents to thoroughly research LGBT issues and “to come to some kind of clarity” before reacting emotionally or impulsively.
The consequences of failed family communications or acceptance speak for themselves: LGBT individuals constitute 40 percent of homeless youth. As Strong attests, suppression of identity to appease family can lead to years of often unnecessary confusion, depression, and failed or impossible relationships.
“I struggled so hard – I did the whole marriage thing, I knew I wasn’t quite ‘right,’ I knew something wasn’t feeling right, wasn’t fitting,” she recounted. “I went through my adolescence and was completely confused. I had the boyfriends, but I never really connected with them. Then I had the big wedding and thought, this is great – this would change me.
“I kept it in the closet up until I was close to 30 years old, and then I couldn’t do it anymore. I went ahead and got divorced and came out of the closet, and I felt very free. But that whole time before was just a nightmare.
“I told my cousins I was gay, and they said, ‘Well, we always knew; we were just wondering when you were going to let us know that you knew.’ That was very enlightening and uplifting. And then I found myself writing a letter to my mother – she was pretty traditional, and I didn’t know how she was going to take it. But she sent me a little statue that said, ‘I love you just the way you are.’”